Letting Go...

As a mother, there is so much "letting go" to do... Some I have been ready for... eagerly anticipating... Other times, the "letting go" has felt like a scab being slowly torn away from a large wound.

I remember "letting go" when my oldest daughter started kindergarten. For weeks we had encouraged her, described the classroom, ensured her that the teacher would be kind and would help her to learn many things. We bought fat crayons and safety scissors and a Barbie lunch box. We picked out her first outfit a week in advance. "Big sisters go to school. You will have so much fun", we told her.

I tried to remember all of the reasons why kindergarten is important. I wanted to recall the necessity of such an act but simply could not on that first day of school. Holding her tiny hand in mine, we walked down the large white hallway together. It smelled faintly of wooden pencils and chalk and Play Doh. The echo of laughter and "show and tell" activity bubbled around us.

We entered the classroom and were greeted with welcoming smiles and an eager young teacher. Pretty Miss Clark led my daughter away to hang her backpack. Her blonde ringlets and bright blue eyes faded into a sea of children. As I retreated down the cheery corrider - alone, an enormous lump found its way into my throat and the walls began to close in. I made it to the safety of my car before I broke down. Hot tears scorched my cheeks all the way home.

Now, so many years later... "letting go" still takes me back to that day. Her new classroom is her own life in a far away city. I still hold her hand until departure time. She humors me by letting me have that action. More for me now - than for her. She often pats me and tries to comfort me by telling ME not to cry. (Which I seem to always do in the circle of her arms during our last embrace.)

Even now, when I watch her leave, my heart lurches in my chest. Her curls and bright blue eyes are often enveloped by a busy airport or a departing vehicle. The sound of her laughter still echoes in the air - long after she is gone. There is no pretty, young teacher to keep her safe until she returns to us. Just a promise that she has told me many times over... "Mom, I am exactly where I am suppose to be...living my life and learning so many things about myself."

This particular letting go has not come easy to me yet...